Tales from the Grave
by BreetanyaViolet
Summary: Ever wonder why Voldemort gave Lily a chance to live even though she was a Muggle-Born Witch? Or how Harry REALLY survived the killing curse? WELL HERE ARE THE ANSWERS!
1. Voldie's Crush

**Voldemort's crush  
  
by BreetanyaViolet**  
  
_AN: Oh good golly.  
  
I don't know how I came up with this idea!  
  
But I did! And now you must read it!  
  
I don't own Harry Potter or Annie.  
  
REMEMBER TO REVIEW!!!_  
  
_2nd AN: Okay, this is basically reposted so its not in a form that could get me kicked off... I think. Grrrrr... my edit story thingy isn't working... I hope this one gets through..._  
  
"Hello, and welcome to spirit theater," the host of the show says mysteriously before the camera's video functions were working.  
  
"Shut up Sirius. This isn't some stupid muggle litature show," Lily Potter said annoyed when the camera finally picked up a picture.   
  
"But you have to admit, that was a great way to start this story, especially with the camera being as old as it is," James Potter piped in.  
  
"Thank you!" Sirius greatfully took the compliment.  
  
Lily sighed but nodded her head in agreement, "Remember what we're supposed to tell everyone about?"  
  
"Oh yeah!" James said as he hit himself on the forehead. "I forgot we had a purpose."  
  
"Why exactly do the head honcho's in charge of the spirit rhelm or whatever we are in want to send this story through the veil?" Sirius asked.  
  
"We're going to try to explain why Voldemort said he would spare Lily if she stepped aside," James explained. "Evidently it confused a lot of people."  
  
"It definitely confused me until the head honcho's here decided to explain why he didn't want to kill a muggle-born witch but wanted to kill her son," Lily admitted.  
  
"I love it! Voldie's in love with ANNIE!" Sirius screeched.  
  
"Maybe we should start from the begginning," Lily said sighing.  
  
"If you want, but I agree with Padfoot, we should make big signs and try to throw them through the veil," James jeered.  
  
"It all started when Tom Riddle's orphanage got a grant to take all of the orphan's to a musical," Lily started.  
  
"This little musical was called 'Annie,'" Sirius said grinning broadly.  
  
"Who would have thought that ten year old Voldemort would develope a crush on the girl playing Annie," James added.  
  
"The poor guy never got over his crush," Lily explained.  
  
"POOR? POOR??? We are talking about the same dark lord who anually tries to kill your son aren't we?" Sirus exclaimed.  
  
"Okay, pathetic. Happy now?" Lily corrected herself.  
  
"YES!" both Sirius and James proclaimed.  
  
"ANYWAY when he grew up to be the big bad wizard he still had this childish crush on Annie," Lily continued.  
  
"And since he killed Lily's parent's durring his first rise to power Lily was an orphan," James said.  
  
"Even though she was 19 when they died. Voldemort needs some serious mental help. He realized when he was in that nursery trying to kill Harry that Lily looked like an older version of Annie," Sirius said grinning, if possible, even more widely.  
  
"THAT'S why he gave her a chance to live," James explained.  
  
"Which is why he would let a muggle-born witch go," Lily finished.  
  
Sirius started to yell at the head honcho spirit people, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE CAN'T EXPLAIN ABOUT HIS BED WETTING PROBLEM???"  
  
The Voice From Above explained, "The Weasley twins are going to explain that one in about eighty years."  
  
"Ahh come on! Can't we do that one?" James pleaded.  
  
The Voice From Above said, "No. This is the end of the story. I hope you readers have been informed. Please tell me what you think of it by reviewing." 


	2. How Harry Lived

**How Harry Lived**  
  
_AN:  
  
HI!   
  
You wanted another one...  
  
SO... I had to change the title of the story, and the summary...  
  
All well...   
  
I don't own Harry Potter and company, but I have plenty more of these in my head...  
  
grins evilly  
_  
"Welcome to..." the host started to say while the camera still showed black.  
  
"You already used that one Sirius," Lily reminded him as the picture came into view.  
  
"Come on, just because you're dead doesn't mean your imagination has to be as well," James complained.  
  
"Well Sorry! I just happen to like that beginning," Sirius defended himself.  
  
"It gets old," James said.  
  
"Fast," Lily added. "Anyway, we have another story to tell in case you can't remember."  
  
"Oh yeah... Poor Harry, he'll never live this one down," Sirius snickered.  
  
"Why do the big bosses want us to tell this story?" James asked.  
  
"Because they are insane... especially that one that chases people with frying pans..." Lily explained.  
  
Breetanya pops in, waves cheerfully, and pops back out.  
  
"That one is definitely crazy," James said shaking his head.  
  
"ANYWAY, we have to explain how Harry survived the killing curse," Lily reminded them.  
  
"Dumbledore lied! Dumbledore lied!" Sirius exclaimed dancing.  
  
"That one is definitely crazy," James repeated still shaking his head.  
  
"HEY! I'm not as crazy as frying-pan lady!" Sirius defended himself.  
  
"Of course you aren't Sirius. Back to the story we're supposed to be telling," Lily said patting Sirius's shoulder.  
  
"It isn't that much of a story," James admitted.  
  
"No, but its funny as heck," Sirius said grinning.  
  
"Oh really, should I get your baby pictures out?" Lily asked innocently.  
  
"Okay, maybe its not that funny," Sirius said, his grin quickly being wiped off of his face.  
  
"Sure it is, you would have been able to survive the killing curse as well Padfoot!" James exclaimed cheerfully.  
  
"IT WOULD NOT REFLECT OFF OF MY FOREHEAD LIKE IT DID WITH HARRY'S SHINEY FOREHEAD!" Sirius yelled in his defense.  
  
"Well, that's what we were supposed to tell," Lily said grinning.  
  
Sirius realized what he had just said and muttered, "Damn... I wanted to milk this thing for as much as it was worth!"  
  
"You know you can't resist defending yourself," James said.  
  
"Yes I can..." Sirius grumbled.  
  
"Really, what about that time in Gryffindor Tower when you were caught with Lisa..." Lily reminded the dog animagus.  
  
"When you were going out with Jane?" James added cheerfully.  
  
"I wasn't doing anything honest!!!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
"You said your part, now rap it up," said a Voice From Above.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DO YOU HAVE TO INTERUPT OUR FUN AND NOT ALLOW US TO TALK ABOUT VOLDIE'S BEDWETTING PROBLEM!" Sirius asked looking up yet seeing nothing.  
  
Breetanya pops in, waves, and pops back out  
  
The Voice From Above sighed and said, "I'm controlled by her. "  
  
"Ah..." Sirius, James, and Lily said nodding in understanding.  
  
_AN: oh yeah, I'm stupid...  
  
This is what happens when I eat too much sugar...  
  
Gotta love sugar!  
  
Please review!_


	3. Let's All Make Fun of Ratboy!

**Lets All Make Fun of Ratboy!**

_AN:_

_I do not own HP, and I appologize to anyone I might offend. But it was not my fault... it was my muse's... and she's usually drunk._

"Yo yo yo peeps listen up!" a voice said from an odd fog.  
  
The fog clears up and Lily Potter cursed Sirius.  
  
"Padfoot... why are you trying to act like you're from the bronx?" James asked curiously.  
  
"Ow... I thought it would be a good way to get people's attention," Sirius replied covered in boils.  
  
"Have you even been to New York?" Lily asked.  
  
"Where do you think I got my motercycle?" Sirius exclaimed indignately.  
  
"Diagon Alley, I was there when you bought it," James grinned.  
  
"Damn... You were..." Sirius said thoughtfully.  
  
Lily started to advance on Sirius.  
  
James held Lily back and asked, "Why are you getting so worked up?"  
  
"I didn't do anything!!!!" Sirius whimpered.  
  
"I just feel like venting some steam that's all," Lily said stopping.  
  
"Do you have to vent it on me?" Sirius whined.  
  
"You're the nearest one I haven't promised to spend eternity with," Lily said shrugging.  
  
"Actually do you remember that night in sixth year when we were married in Hogsmeade?" Sirius asked.  
  
"That wasn't me... that was Susan Alcery wearing a clown wig," Lily said snickering.  
  
"THAT TROLL?" Sirius exclaimed looking shocked.  
  
"Its pretty understandable, after that post-quidditch party even all of the prefects were acting like frat boys. You were wasted," James grinned evilly.  
  
"That's the understatement of the year... after that 'marriage' he went and challenged Professor McGollangal to a duel when he was only in his boxers... you know, the ones with Snidges flying on it," Lily snorted.  
  
"So that was why I had detention every night for a month after that party! I thought it was because I snuck off to Hogsmeade," Sirius said as if the world became clear to him.  
  
"I told you not to mix Firewiskey, Butterbeer, and Cheering potions together in the punch," James reminded his friend.  
  
"YOU DID WHAT? You never told me that was what was in the punch. That could have caused someone to go blind if they had an alergy to cheering potions!" Lily exclaimed outraged.  
  
"Nah, Rat-boy was only blinded for two days. Not that he didn't deserve it," James said casually.  
  
"Speaking of the most traitorous, slimiest, sniviling..." Sirius ranted.  
  
"Speaking of Pettigrew..." Lily tried to interupt Sirius's rant.  
  
"...idiotic, bleeding..."  
  
"Stop it! We have a story to tell," James said hitting Sirius on the head.  
  
"Is it possible to get a concussion when you're dead?" Sirius asked as he rubbed his head.  
  
"You are not to disclose any information about the life after," The Voice From Above said before James or Lily could answer.  
  
"Why do you always speak from above?" Sirius asked cranning his head up trying to see the body of the voice.  
  
"Because I like to see you strain your neck trying to see me when in truth I am not above. Now get on the story, Frying-pan-lady is getting impacient with you," The Voice From Above said smartly.  
  
Sirius, James, and Lily all cringed at the thought of that particular diety being annoyed with them.  
  
"We're supposed to talk about Pettigrew," Lily reminded the boys.  
  
"What to tell... what to tell..." Sirius muttered as he rubbed his hands together evilly.  
  
"What about his doll fetish?" James grinned matching Sirius on the evil-o-meter.  
  
"Oh you mean..." Lily started laughing.  
  
"Excelent! We found this little secret out when we were in our third year..." Sirius started gleefully.  
  
"We were innocently exploring the castle..." James continued.  
  
"Searching for escape routs for when the groundskeeper was on our hides," Sirius explained.  
  
"And we fell upon the nice little room, the Room of Requirement."  
  
"How did you get into it if you didn't have any requirements?" Lily asked curiously.  
  
"Prongs? You always were smarter than me," Sirius prompted.  
  
"It must of been the requirement of escape routs," James said shrugging.  
  
"ANYWAY, we decided to mark that room down and agreed to meet there if being chased," Sirius continued with the story.  
  
"And the next day you innocently transfigures the groundskeeper's clothes into a loin cloth and his pet ferret into a monkey, with a ferret's tail mind you," Lily added knowing where that particular story was going, it was a particular favorite of James'.  
  
"Hey! I think I did a pretty good cross species transfiguration for only being thirteen!" James said defending himself.  
  
"Somehow Rat-Boy managed to loose Tarzan and Fernky first," Sirius said ignoring James' outburst.  
  
"Fernky?" Lily asked confused not hearing that term before.  
  
"You know, Ferret, Monkey, smash them together," Sirius said casually.  
  
"Oh," Lily said blinking.  
  
"ANYWAY, when we got to the Room of Requirement, there was the traitor playing tea party with some dollies," James said grinning like a maniac.  
  
"Of course we couldn't let him live it down," Sirius said.  
  
"I caught him in our seventh year, I was trying to find a place to study and I stumbled on that room," Lily admitted devillishly.  
  
"REALLY?" Sirius asked.  
  
"I wonder if Voldie lets his death eaters play with dolls," James mused.  
  
"You're done now. Shut up or I won't let you talk to the outside world for three months," The Voice From Above said.  
  
"But..." Sirius started but Lily and James covered Sirius's mouth and waved goodbye before another word could escape.


	4. The Bloody Baron's Bloodiness

**The Bloody Baron's Bloodiness**  
  
_AN:  
  
I'm BAAAACK, and I still do not own HP.  
_  
"HI! We're back after an incredibly long absence! But unfortunally, we had some technical difficulities. You see..." Sirius said babbling.  
  
"He insulted the Frying Pan Lady... which resulted in her becoming angry," Lily sighed as Sirius continued to talk apparently oblivious to the fact that Lily was explaining the same situation in fewer words.  
  
" ...and then..."  
  
"She gets scary when she's angry. She stole Sirius's vocal chords and hid them, it took us two months to find them, and then two more months to figure out how to get them back into his body," James explained.  
  
" ... of course...."  
  
"I'm beginning to think we shouldn't have put them back in... It was the quietest four months we've had since he died," Lily said regretably.  
  
"... but..."  
  
"I personally think it was a good idea, he stopped hitting us to get our attention now... he punches hard when he's annoyed," James replied.  
  
"HEY! Even though I'm talking doesn't mean that I'm not listening to you two bad talking me!" Sirius exclaimed.  
  
Lily pointed her wand at Sirius and said, "Silencio"  
  
Sirius tried to talk but failed and settled for glaring at Lily.  
  
"Lils, you do realize that he has to help us tell the story?" James sighed.  
  
"Are you sure? Its so nice without the constant chattering in the background don't you think?" Lily asked conversationally.  
  
Sirius threw around some Whizbangs to make noise and a lightshow for him.  
  
Lily blinked, "How did he get those?"   
  
"No idea..."  
  
Sirius tapped his foot impatiently pointing to his throat.  
  
"Will you promise to shut up when someone else is talking?" Lily asked.  
  
Sirius shook his head.  
  
"Fine... you can stay like that, I can ignore fireworks."  
  
Sirius gestured angrily at the woman.  
  
"Padfoot, remember in our sixth year when she said she she could outwait us at anything and you chose bathing? Remember what happened?" James grinned at the memory.  
  
Sirius glared angrily at James.  
  
Lily snickered, "That was an ammusing year..."  
  
"SIX MONTHS Padfoot..."  
  
Sirius crossed his arms and tapped his foot.  
  
"And this has the added bonus of no one getting incredibly smelly besides the fireworks. They are pretty cool," she grinned.  
  
"Give up Sirius. For everyone's sanity, I beg of you," James said getting on his knees and putting his hands together.  
  
Sirius sighed and nodded.  
  
"Finite Incantum. Now was that all that hard?" Lily asked continueing to grin.  
  
"Yes. But I would like to be able to talk before the New Year," Sirius muttered  
  
"Do you realize how off topic you've all gone?" The Infamous Voice From Above asked.  
  
"Yes, is that a problem?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Why are you looking down?" Lily asked.  
  
"Because that voice said that it was ammused when I looked up when addressing it and it wasn't there. Something that evil must be in hell," Sirius explained.  
  
"I'm not underneith you either. You do realize that hell is not down but merely in another dimension? And if I were in hell why aren't you with all the pranks you played?" The Infamous Voice From Above asked.  
  
"Because I am incredibly good looking, was punished for twelve years for crimes I did not commit, and I appear to have a body," Sirius replied.  
  
"Remember what happened the last time you insulted a being that you do not have to be in the same general area to be able to hear?" James reminded him.  
  
"Good point, Sorry."  
  
"Appology accepted, now get back on topic. You are supposed to be explaining why the Bloody Baron is bloody," The Infamous Voice From Above demanded.  
  
"You do realize that you were helping in the distraction just now?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Just tell the dratted story."  
  
"What if I don't want to?" Sirius asked smartly.  
  
"Lily, would you do the honors?" The Infamous Voice From Above questioned the red-headed witch.  
  
"Gladly, Silencio"  
  
"I don't know why I even try..." James said shaking his head.  
  
The Infamous Voice From Above prompted "The story???"  
  
"Oh... right... sorry about that..." Lily said.  
  
"Well everyone knows about the Bloody Baron, the Slytherin ghost, and the only one truely able to control Peeves... " James started  
  
"And everyone is always wondering how he became so bloody, they all assume that he was murdering someone..." Lily continued.  
  
Sirius sulked.  
  
"...Or was..." James said.  
  
Lily whispered "Finite Incantum"  
  
"... in some battle when he died."  
  
"The story is actually kind of funny. The Bloody Baron, whose name was actualy Baron Nigel Warington, was anticipating his daughter's wedding," Lily said normally.  
  
"He wanted to help out with the wedding so he decided to help the cooks butcher the large hog they were going to have for the wedding feast..."  
  
Sirius pouted.  
  
"He had a freak accident while cutting up that hog..." Lily continued.  
  
"He was covered in the hog's blood and so the knife he was using was pretty slippery..."  
  
Lily snickered, "Apparently he really got into his work."  
  
James grinned, "The knife slipped and ended up stabbing him in the heart."  
  
"Well the Baron was so surprised that he died he didn't believe it."  
  
"And so he became a ghost. When he went to Hogwarts after he watched his daughter's wedding he didn't tell anyone the way he died," James finished.  
  
Sirius muttered to himself not realizing he'd be heard, "Well duh... Its a humiliating way to die... Hey! I heard myself!"  
  
"I took the charm off a while ago, didn't you hear?" Lily asked sweetly.  
  
"WHA? I wanted to tell the story, I could have told the story, and I didn't??? NOOOOOO!"  
  
"You are absolutely evil Lils," James said.  
  
Lily grinned broadly, "Thank you."  
  
"You've gone over your time limit, ACTUALLY you went over your time limit back when you were argueing with me. Say goodbye to the nice people," The Infamous Voice From Above said.  
  
"Goodbye to the nice people..." Everyone said.  
  
James whispered to Sirius before the author stopped typing, "I think we've converted her to our side..."  
  
_AN:  
  
please review..._  



	5. Pig's Hyperness

**Pig's Hyperness**  
  
_AN:  
hehheh.  
i don't own HP..._

"Well, we're back again," Sirius said somewhat grumpily.

"Hey this time its YOUR fault we're here!" James responded to Sirius's mood.

"I dunno, I think its kinda cute..." Lily said looking through the funky crystal bowl filled with water they used to see the world of the living.

"Cute? That thing is annoying! Do you know how many times when Ron was at Grimwald Place that thing tried to get Buckbeak to eat it? I nearly got trampled by a rampaging hippogriff!" Sirius exclaimed. "TWICE!"

"Hey, remember your fifth year prediction for star charts?" James suddenly burst out laughing.  
Sirius threw a lime at James' head, "Shut up."

"Hey!" James said rubbing his head. "That hurt you overgrown grim!"

"Don't get me started antler-boy!" Sirius retorted angrily.

"Would you boys stop acting like first years?" Lily sighed looking at her two co-hosts who were about to beat the living... er... ectoplasmic shit out of each other.

"But WHHHY?" Sirius whined.

"Because you are annoying the crap out of me," The Infamous Voice From Above said irritably.

"You're an adult. Act like it. At least while you're working for me."

"I'm getting payed?" Sirius asked curiously.

"Actually your royalties are being used to keep Pig's supply of extra chewy Owl treats from dwindling," the voice explained.

"I hate that thing," Sirius muttered darkly while James laughed.

"You're the one who gave it to Ron," Lily pointed out.

"Well it was the only one that actually was willing to send that letter to Harry at the time. The rest of the owls were warned not to let me use them because I was supposed to be the oh-so-dangerous Sirius Black," Sirius grumbled. "The friggin' white sheep of the Black family dangerous! Come on now!"

"Well you were fond of explosions in school," James grinned.

"Remember the reason you have this show in the first place?" The Infamous Voice asked impatiently. "I end up on here more times than the Frying-Pan-Lady, and she has a habit of just popping in out of no where! Why do I even employ you three?"

"Because you love us?" Sirius asked seriously.

"Ahhh!" Lily cried. "The author made the pun!"

"Way overdone!" James added.

"Anybody find it amusing that the author is having us make these comments?" Sirius asked.

"AUTHOR!" the voice complained. "THE DAMN STORY ALREADY!"

(if I could I would electrocute you)

"Anyway.... we're here to explain why Pig is so hyper," Lily said wanting to dart her eyes from the author to the voice but as neither actually had a body in the fic she decided to blink nervously.

"Everybody here has read Quidditch Through the Ages right?" James asked starting to look around and then realized there was no live audience.

"This is why people shouldn't take naps after eight p.m. ..." Sirius muttered under his breath.

"Probably not everyone. Lily didn't until you married her."

"But I knew what a Snidget was," Lily replied. "The little bird that nearly became extinct because Quidditch maniacs almost killed all of them by squashing them when they caught them to end a Quidditch game!"

"Well that settles that," James said. "I was going to explain, but my lovely wife did."

"What do you want?" Lily asked suspiciously.

"Oooh, a little lover's liason?" Sirius asked.

"Are you sure you're not related to Peeves, Padfoot?" James asked sourly.

"Positive Prongs," Sirius replied. "That he was my several greats grandfather."

"Really?" Lily asked curiously.

"Wrong story!" the voice said.

"Oh yeah..." Sirius said. "Can we do that next?"

"Snidget and Pig?" The Infamous Voice reminded.

"Oh but its not that much fun!"

"Pig is the result of a misaliance between an owl and a Snidget which is why he's so damn hyper! There! Was that so bloody hard?" the voice screamed. "Can't you people get to the point once and a while?"

"Ah, but its fun riling you up Voicikins," Sirius replied cheekily.

"It is," Lily grinned.

"Most definitely," James agreed.

"Lady, we have trouble in sector 1031," the voice called out. "A group mischievous individuals are creating trouble, could you come and investigate it please?"

The Frying Pan Lady came galloping in on a Hippogriff wielding her frying pan and sending the trio of taletellers running.  
  
_AN:  
Hyperness after midnight.  
Sorry.  
Please review._


End file.
